This is Part IV of my ongoing series, This Piece Of Shit Article Is Literally Trying To Help Murder Innocent People Because Crimes Against Humanity Are The Only Way Vladimir Putin Can Feel Anything In His Sad Dead Penis

Here, we will explore my favorite thing in the world: Russia thinking people respect it.

I cannot express in words how consistently hilarious Russia’s insane delusions of grandeur are. Remember, Russia isn’t just arrogant. Russia's core argument is that it's so amazing, it is above all international laws, and basic humanity. Russia's argument is that it should be allowed to kill who it wants, take what it wants, rape who it wants, and inflict vast and senseless horror on as many innocent people as it wants, solely in the name of imperial greed the petty insecurities of its idiot tyrant.

Every country on earth is smaller than Russia, yet only Russia insists that it needs more land or else it will die.

Russia is so drunk with hubris it legitimately thinks its neighbors want to be conquered by them.

That’s not a joke; Russians actually believe Ukraine is happy Russia is shooting at them. I have talked to so many of these people, and it's surreal.

Never in my life have I encountered people so fucking stupid I had to repeatedly explain the concept of "self-defense" to them. But I have now. Many times.

And when you ask how Russia is so amazing people are honored to be murdered by them, it’s not “we’ll make their lives better,” it’s the exact bullshit you’re seeing here: Convoluted, long-winded, self-aggrandizing “history lesson” that makes Ukrainians okay with being murdered.

For some reason this “history lesson” doesn’t bring up the Holomodor. when Putin's hero Stalin casually murdered five million Ukrainians,

Hey Russia. You guys love history. Why don't you ever talk about the Holomodor?

In fact, I've got a “history lesson” about Russian Greatness that’s actually relevant.

I was born in the late 80’s.

My first exposure to Russia was watching the Totally Invincible Soviet Empire That’s Definitely Our Equal commit suicide for some stupid and confusing reason. I came into the world, and right away Russia just died.

Not a good start.

Then over a dozen new countries formed because they all fucking hated Russia for some mysterious reason that continues to perplex Russia to this day. The only thing Russia knows for sure is their reasons have nothing to do with Russians being assholes. Probably Russophobia.

Then I watched Russia attempt democracy for like 30 seconds by electing a blackout drunk who barfed on everyone to lead mighty Russia into a bright new era.

Then Russia collapsed again, and spent the 90’s wallowing in poverty and doing jack shit about it for an entire decade.

Meanwhile, in the US, the 90’s were pretty much the best time to be a kid. It was amazing. Our economy was roaring, technology was advancing at absolutely insane speeds, the internet was this amazing new frontier of infinite possibilities. You literally went from a Nintendo to a Playsation over the span of five Christmases.

Meanwhile, in Moscow, we opened one McDonald's, and Russia's wealthiest and most cultured elites started freaking out at being able to buy our shitty fast food. I guess one superpower's junk food is another failed state's treasure.

Plus toilet paper. Lining up for toilet paper.

Great work, Russia. Super impressed, as always.

Then Russia collapsed again in 1998, because endlessly lurching from one crisis to another is Russia's national past time

Finally, in 2000, we get Putin, and the collective “West” that he hates so much breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Finally, Russia has a sane, rational leader who isn’t blinded by ideological fanaticism or visibly dying of alcoholism.

And this is the ultimate, fundamental reason Vladimir Putin is one of the dumbest leaders in human history: Everything was perfectly teed up for him. He was on a glide path to Greatness.

“This is a guy we can work with,” we thought. And he had the easiest job in the world:

1) Sell the trillions of dollars of natural resources Russia already has.

2) Use the proceeds to invest in massive infrastructure projects that raise the standard of living across the country virtually overnight.

3) Create a massive new middle class and millions of new potential customers for our products, creating robust and profitable trade between Russia and the “West”.

4) As relations rapidly improve and Russia becomes our new trading partner, we begin working with Russia on security initiatives to help Russia become a bulwark of regional stability. Russia becomes a trusted partner in dealing with volatile border regions.

We do this because Russia is behaving like a normal country for once and it's a goddamn Christmas miracle.

5) And then, after 8 years of peace and prosperity, after modernizing the country after a miserable decade of suffering and humiliation, after turning former enemies into close allies, after reforming Russia into an actual geopolitical superpower that people respect and admire, Vladimir Putin retires, confident the system he created is a sustainable long-term foundation for a truly prosperous and democratic Russia. He spends the rest of his life a revered elder statesman, basking in constant and well-earned praise.

All he had to do was not go out of his way to piss everyone off and start World War 3. That’s it.

Putin was not “forced” into anything. He had the easiest path to Greatness in human history, and he made one bad decision after another, because he is not a statesman. He's a thug.

Putin was not "forced" to build a government fueled entirely by corruption, criminality, incompetence, greed, laziness, cynicism, sloppiness, and apathy. That's just him being a shitty ruler who can't handle basic parts of his job.

Putin was not "forced" to funnel obscene amounts of money to his friends and loyalists decade after decade. He's always been clear that he is the sole authority in Russia. He simply likes giving money to his friends instead of his people.

Putin was not "forced" to invade Georgia, to meddle in our elections, to help tyrants like Assad and Lukashenko slaughter their own people, to invade Ukraine and cause the greatest humanitarian crisis in Europe since Adolf Hitler.

Nor was he "forced" to send soulless, amoral pieces of shit like the guy who wrote this "article" to go on our social media platforms, abuse the freedom of speech that would get you killed in Putin's miserable authoritarian shithole, and try to present this nakedly evil argument advocating for the extermination of the Ukrainian people as "just a normal conversation between two people with equally valid opinions."

Before February 2022, these were normal people living normal lives. They had families. They had jobs. They went to school, had dreams, worried about stupid bullshit, got into arguments on Reddit, went to the gym and deadlifted incorrectly, they saved up for Playstations, they went to cafes, lost their virginity, got cancer, gave birth, bounced on trampolines, and finally got around to watching Breaking Bad.

And then, all at once, a man who they had never met, and who did not know or care they existed, sent armed men to come to their homes and murder them

They shot at civilians. They bombed civilians. They raped civilians. They tortured civilians. Men. Women. Children. They destroyed everything. They cancelled their lives. "We are all that matters now."

Then they called their victims "Nazis" and spat on their memory, as one final insult.

In a matter of days, these people were dragged screaming into Hell.

On Tuesday, they were checking their schedule at work and asking their boss if they can switch shifts with a coworker because they have a dentist's appointment and if they cancel there won't be any openings for another two weeks.

On Saturday, they were being gang raped.

All this horror, and this bloodshed, all the devastated cities and dead children and kidnapped orphans and terrified animals and rape and disease and this whole gaping chasm of bottomless cruelty is a choice made by Vladimir Putin, a petty, vain, garden-variety aging psychopath struggling to cope with his own mortality by jerking off to an imaginary writeup in a make-believe history book.

Fuck him and fuck you.

Now. I’m going to stop here. If you feel the need to respond by doing exactly what I said you would, with clumsy attempts to change the subject, now's a good time to get it out of your system and tell me all of these indefensibly evil things are perfectly fine because Something Something Iraq, Something Something Western Hypocrisy.

You may notice I haven’t said anything about Russia’s performance in the war.

Or its economy.

Go on. Do it.

Tell me how great Russia's financial prospects and invincible military are.

I promise I have absolutely nothing to say.