Aaron Boyd
2 min readJan 5, 2024


Guys, I've got a great idea: let's continue talking about Trump like he's a living God whose victory is inevitable and resistance is pointless.

Instead of voting, we should just assume he's already in complete control of everything and focus on the apocalyptic clickbait essays we'll have ready to post on November 5th.

Whenever we talk about Trump, we should always make sure to ascribe literal superpowers to him, despite the fact that he's too dumb to understand what those superpowers are or how to use them without getting in trouble. Just assume that, no matter the context, Trump will use magic and win.

Yes, Trump lost in 2020, but that doesn't count. Don't ask why. It just doesn't.

Yes, there's a long conga line of candidates he endorsed that all lost. That doesn't count either.

Yes, he's staring down four separate court cases that pose existential threats to his brand, his fortune, and his freedom, and he's aggressively trying to sabotage his own defense in each one, but that's where the magic powers come in. It doesn't matter how indefensibly bad his case is. He will simply Something Something Magic and get away.

Yes, his entire campaign platform consists of making excuses for his failures and threatening to commit more crimes so he can get revenge on America. Let's just assume there are zero drawbacks to that messaging strategy. It's flawless.

No, Trump has done absolutely nothing to expand his voter base and continues to rely on the same losing, uh, "coalition" as last time, minus the novelty, enthusiasm, and energy. That's okay, because Biden voters are inexplicably doing everything they can to depress their own vote just so they can say they were there the day America died.