(TRIGGER WARNING: This is long and it’s all your fault. I tried to keep this as short as possible, but being able to make a list of all the reasons Donald Trump lost reelection small enough to fit on the Internet requires the same advanced Swiss particle accelerator CERN used…

(TRIGGER WARNING: This article will involve illegal wrestling moves that bring unprecedented shame to the Squared Circle. Also I’m going to rag a bit on The Undertaker, whose Safe Space is a dumb coffin.) Like you, I’m beyond done talking about Donald Trump. It’s not just that he’s a miserable…

Speaking of Barack Obama eating babies, let’s talk about Qanon. I know this is late. If you’re anything like me, the first couple dozen times you heard the word “Qanon,” your first reaction was a resigned sigh and “throw it in the pile.” And there’s no shame in that. Compartmentalization…

PORTFOLIO SAMPLE CONTEXT: Formal literary research paper (MLA formatting) exploring how the story of Uncle Tom’s Cabin came to develop its modern notoriety. REASON FOR INCLUSION: Solidly researched academic paper that presents a clear argument involving a complex, sensitive issue in a compelling manner. From Martyr to Minstrel and Back…

PORTFOLIO SAMPLE ORIGINAL TITLE: Money Is Everything: The Brilliantly Banal Cynicism Of Everett’s Erasure REASON FOR INCLUSION: Mostly to draw attention to this criminally underrated satire of racial narratives in America. Percival Everett’s Erasure is a work of myriad ambiguities, but when it comes to the role race plays in…

PORTFOLIO SAMPLE ORIGINAL TITLE: Hegel, Nietzsche, and Sadomasochistic Morgan Freeman: The Role of Subjectivity in German Aesthetic Theory CONTEXT: Academic literary analysis piece critiquing the varying aesthetic philosophies of several great German philosophers: Kant, Hegel, and Nietzsche. REASON FOR INCLUSION: The same reason anybody brings up the aesthetic theories of…

PORTFOLIO SAMPLE CONTEXT: Successful application essay for UCLA’s undergrad program. REASON FOR INCLUSION: This is a funny, true look at my personal history with English literature. …

This is projection. Pure projection. And I don't mean that as an insult. I think the hardest part of 2016 was wrapping our minds around the brutal reality that, by virtually every conceivable metric, Americans are worse people than we thought. And we never saw ourselves as naive, sheltered, or…

Compliment sandwich time: It is genuinely impressive how Q has managed to serve as a sort of Mance Rayder figure that’s able to cobble together an uneasy alliance of warring Internet tribes defined by their shitty people skills: Conspiracy theorists, Incels, racists, Sovereign Citizens, serial killers, probably inflation fetishists, anybody…